Looking Back
by SilverSerpent04
Summary: Short, one chapter fic in which Draco looks back on his life with Lucius.


Title: Looking Back  
  
Rating: R  
  
Pairing(s): LM/DM, Others/DM  
  
Warning(s): some angst, abuse, and mention of rape  
  
Note(s): none  
  
Summary: short ficlet of Draco looking back on his relationship with his father and why he turned to the light  
  
****************  
  
Hey dad look at me  
  
Think back and talk to me  
  
Did I grow up according to plan?  
  
Do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?  
  
'But it hurts when you disapprove all along  
  
****************  
  
I allowed a few tears to escape as I traced the picture of us on my sixth birthday. He wasn't evil then, he wasn't delusional. He was my father....my hero. The one I looked up to.  
  
He wasn't cold then. He was caring, loving; he was everything a father should be. And he was the greatest.  
  
But then he heard rumors of the Dark Lord coming back. He toughened up and stopped spending time with me and Mother. He went on raids with his adult friends, and wouldn't come home some nights.  
  
When he was home, he was teaching me the Dark Arts. While I loved spending time with him, I didn't want to know how to disembowel a muggle with a flick of my wand while they were still alive.  
  
I voiced my thought to him and he hit me. For the first time in my life he struck me like I was a common wizard or a muggle. He got this...disappointed look on his face and left. I cried that night, for hours.  
  
He returned the next day and we began again. Needless to say, I was never able to get the disembowelment curse down. He was furious at my lack of guts. He took me into his room and beat me.  
  
****************  
  
And now I try hard to make it  
  
I just want to make you proud  
  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
  
I can't pretend that  
  
I'm alright  
  
And you can't change me  
  
****************  
  
When I was seven, he stepped up in the 'training'. He took me with him on a few of the raids, forcing me to participate. When I couldn't the first few times, he took me to the dungeons and beat me until I could.  
  
The man I knew had gone. My father became a cold-blooded killer, and I his pupil. I strived hard to please him, I did! He was my father, and what more could a boy want from a father then his praise?  
  
I distanced myself from others, like he told me to, and I went with him wherever, whenever he permitted it.  
  
My mother stayed away from us when we weren't/t eating meals or hosting parties. I could tell that she did not consider me her child anymore.  
  
Father was a killing machine. The raids were nightly occurrences, and I soon grew sick of them. I started to make excuses to not go with him. "I'm too tired", I would say, or "I don't feel good".  
  
It worked for about a month before he grew suspicious. He forced me to go with him one night. He forced me to torture, rape, and kill a girl younger than I. I was sick when we returned to the manor, and stayed sick well into the next day.  
  
When I was better, he took me into the dungeons again and beat me mercilessly. The man that had been my father was gone, and I doubted he would ever come back.  
  
****************  
  
'Cuz we lost it all  
  
Nothing lasts forever  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
Now it's just too late and  
  
We can't go back  
  
I'm sorry  
  
I can't be perfect  
  
****************  
  
A few months after I took the little girl, Lucius (I had stopped calling him father then) brought home a couple of his 'friends'. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and dragged me into the dungeons.  
  
I didn't know what I did wrong, and I pleaded with him to tell me. He chained my to a bench and ripped off my clothes. He told me that I would never make a good death eater, but our Lord would appreciate me as a whore for him.  
  
I cried as he took away my virginity and screamed when he let his friends 'have a go' at me. When they were finished, I was un-chained and he dragged me up to my room. I curled up under the covers and cried myself to sleep.  
  
The next day a house elf cleaned me up and I limped down to join my 'family' for breakfast. Lucius ignored me for the most part, until I made a mistake near the end.  
  
My hands were shaking terribly. I was scared to be in the same room with Lucius! I accidentally knocked over a glass and Lucius leapt up. "How could you be so clumsy?!" He hollered at me.  
  
He brought his cane down over my head and pushed me out of my chair. "I though I taught you better..." I was dragged down to the dungeons again and forced to...'service' him.  
  
**********  
  
I try not to think  
  
About the pain I feel inside  
  
Did you know you used to be my hero?  
  
All the days you spend with me  
  
Now seem so far away  
  
And it feels like you don't care anymore  
  
**********  
  
The next morning I was surprised to find myself in a soft, warm bed. A pair of arms was wrapped around my waist and I froze. "Shhhh...." I heard a whisper in my ear. "I'm sorry I was so nasty to you my Dragon."  
  
"F-f-father?" I trembled. He nuzzled my neck and soothed away my fears. He was so gentle, I realized. My father was back! The cold bastard was gone! I turned around in his arms and hugged him tightly.  
  
"It's all right little Dragon. I'm proud of you for taking everything like a man. Like a Malfoy." I basked in his praise.  
  
This continued for a long time, until mudblood Hermione Granger beat me in every subject but Potions at Hogwarts. Father was furious with me.  
  
I was beaten and raped for being bested by a mudblood, and I realized that Lucius was back. I went back to trying hard to please him, but nothing worked.  
  
To go along with this, Voldemort was resurrected and beaten AGAIN by Potter, all in the same night. Lucius took out his frustrations on me and left me at the gates of Hogwarts with a note to Dumbledore, only inches away from death. He had abandoned me because the Dark Lord was displeased with him.  
  
I was nothing in Lucius's eyes. I was nothing in everybody's eyes.  
  
****************  
  
And now I try hard to make it  
  
I just want to make you proud  
  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
  
I can't stand another fight  
  
And nothing's alright  
  
****************  
  
I was healed and upon waking I immediately demanded protection from my father, from Lucius. Dumbledore took me in, offered me a flat near his office, and I joined the light.  
  
My rooms were connected to Dumbledore's by a secret passage, so whenever I needed to talk, or if I just wanted some company, I could join Dumbledore for some tea and a game of chess.  
  
Being with Dumbledore a lot made me realize how wrong the Dark Lord's intentions were. Of course, I always knew to some extant that he was wrong in his ways. After all, there was no doubt in me that he created Lucius.  
  
I also ran into Harry Potter a couple of times, and it was with him I felt safe. He spent a lot of his free time with me in my flat, talking and telling me about his muggle relatives. I realized with a start that we weren't that different.  
  
Harry and I got along splendidly and when the time came for the Final Battle, I was standing by his side. I watched in fascination, as did everyone around me, as Harry struck down Voldemort.  
  
Moments after he died, the Death Eaters fled. Many were either killed or captured, and one of the ones captured was Lucius. As he was dragged past me, I looked into his eyes, into the eyes of my father.  
  
"Dragon, please! I never meant to hurt you! Please, my dragon!" I trembled and held up a hand, telling the Auror's to wait. "Please, I didn't mean it...." Tears were flowing down his cheeks.  
  
"Father?" I limped towards him and fell into his chest. He nuzzled my hair and I could feel him straining to get his arms free. He wanted to hug me, I realized. I began to cry.  
  
"Please, Dragon, don't cry. I want you to be happy." I nodded and stood up. He smiled at me before his eyes began to grow cold. "Know that I love you, and I'm proud of you for choosing the right side."  
  
"I know." His eyes hardened and he was led away again. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to look into Harry's green eyes.  
  
"He'll get a fair trial. It's apparent that he has a split personality disorder. He'll probably be taken to St. Mungo's." He said softly.  
  
"You think?" Harry smiled and pulled me in for a hug.  
  
"Yes. It's apparent that deep down, under his more dominate personality, that he loves you very much." I nodded and caught 'Lucius's' eye as he was driven away in a magical car.  
  
"I tried to please you Lucius. I really did." I mouthed at him. He snarled at me but I could see my father in his eyes, trying to break free. I smiled to show him that it was okay, that I understood.  
  
"Come on, let's go home. To Hogwarts."  
  
"Yeah, home...." Maybe someday I could forgive my father, after all.... he may not have had complete control a lot of the time, but he didn't seek help either. I smiled at the though of us, together again like old time.  
  
Who knows? After all, the world works in strange ways, it was a possibility......  
  
****************  
  
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
  
Nothing's gonna make this right again  
  
Please don't turn your back  
  
I can't believe it's hard  
  
Just to talk to you  
  
'Cuz you don't understand  
  
****************  
  
END 


End file.
